Why Tomas Vokoun’s Return From Injury Could Prevent War With Iran


Recently, during the 2011-2012 Washington Capital’s beautiful regular season run (that is destined to get the 8th seed in the east) the team hit a bit of a snag in goal-tending. Tomas Vokoun (known as the best player to ever come from the Czech Republic) recently received a lower body injury during warm-ups of Friday nights New Jersey Devil’s tilt. John Carlson was quoted as saying “I was pretty upset with Vokey, so I speared him in the balls as I hard as I could. You know.. these are growing pains and these things happen in the game of hockey, especially during warm-ups. Nobody should be upset with me”.

Naturally, Vokoun was unable to play Friday or Sunday because of his “lower-body injury” and the Caps decided to start Michael Neuvirth in order to give away two points at home to New Jersey and Philadelphia respectively. “You know.. these two games didn’t matter very much in the large scheme of things. I promised Zach Parise that he could score his only three goals of the season on Friday. And the Flyers need every road win that they can get. I want us to barely squeak into the playoffs at the eighth seed so we can eliminate New York again”, Dale Hunter explained. And this idea could very easily work, assuming that the Winnipeg Jets get less than 90 points like the hockey world expects.

Another reason that this plan works well is because Michael Neuvirth plays goalie so terribly and so readily that the caps could not even hope to beat good teams. In Neuvirths incredible campaign of 28 games this season, he has literally stopped the puck only 90% of the time. Ninety percent! Ninety percent of people don’t follow @PokeCzech30 on twitter. (Ninety Percent of the time @thenameswill24 loses on NHL 12). Ninety percent of Americans don’t even know who Michael Neuvirth is. Wait until you hear the next part….. Neuvirths goals against average is just slightly below THREE. Oh and an even funnier stat? Of the 28 games that Neuvirth has played in this season, the caps have won 9… You say 9 out of 28 is good? That’s 32.1 percent. Basically if Michael Neuvirth starts a game for your hockey team this season you should really hope that your team can score at least four goals. Imagine if Neuvirth starts every game consistently? Then the caps have to score four goals every night to even have a chance to win. But this will all be good for the caps because sometimes if you play badly enough in the regular season, a hockey team can out of nowhere and instantly become the best team in the NHL playoffs. But how many more games should the caps lose before deciding to put Tomas Vokoun in to play games? Based on my research I see that the caps have played 65 of 82 games. And by subtracting 65 from 82 we can see that the caps have 17 games left. And 17 multiplied by 2 is 34. If the caps were to win out this season they would finish with 103 points. But the problem is winning 17 games in a row is too easy and DC will need a lower number of points (maybe 90-95) if they want to stick to the plan and finish 8th. Based on all this I have decided that Washington will win 11 of their last 17 games to finish with 91 points and… 8th in the east! In order to do this the caps will have to play sloppy in their next 6 contests and try as hard as they can to not get any points. Then in the final 11 games, Washington should make the switch to Tomas Vokoun in order for the Capitals to go on an eleven game winning streak to finish the season. However, the model that I have created does not account for unscheduled games that Gary Bettman may or may not choose to randomly schedule for the caps. Also, I want to emphasize how important it will be for the Capitals to make the switch to Vokoun in time. Why is that so important?

Barack Obama recently said in his radio address to the country of Nigeria “Hi, everybody. Earlier this week, I spent some time with the hardworking men and women of the American auto industry, who are busy writing a new chapter in America’s story.” Of course, Obama used many metaphors in this opening sentence to refer to the Washington Capitals. The “american auto industry” is a metaphor for the National Hockey League. A once thriving organization that everybody on the planet respected but slowly stopped caring about until it went into a lockout. But in 2005, Gary Bettman and Barack Obama bailed out the NHL. Obama is now obviously hopeful that Tomas Vokoun will be able to lead the “hardworking” capitals to the 8th seed in the playoffs. And although Obama didn’t say it, we can take hints from his gestures and speech that he believes Vokoun is the solution to America’s problems and could even prevent war with Iran. Ironically, the stats show that on days when Tomas Vokoun plays well the national price of gasoline tends to be lower. This is no coincidence and Vokoun has close friends with the oil industry and even has friends in high places with Iran. President Obama and the rest of DC is hopeful that Vokoun’s return could save Washington from disaster.

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    • English Man
    • January 28th, 2013

    yes gold!

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