Mike Green Suspended 3 Games For Playing Hockey Too Perfectly


Mike Green met with Shanaban on Friday for a disciplinary meeting about Mike Green playing hockey on Thursday night. “You just can’t do it anymore, Mike,” Shanaban said, “Hitting has not been allowed in the NHL since 2004.” Mike Green, showing his frustration with the NHL becoming the National non-Hitting League, manned up on Thursday and did what everyone attempting to play hockey should do: Play Hockey.

Ever since the lockout of 2004-2005, the NHL has not allowed hockey to be played. To reiterate, hitting has been decreased. If you really look at it, the NHL no longer exists. With the NHL being non-existent, NHL executives like Shanaban should not be able to tell Mike Green if he can play or not. But then again, hockey is not even being played. This is like floor hockey in gym class in high school (Keep the stick below your waste, no slap shots, and don’t concuss anyone). What I’m trying to say is that the NHL has evolved so much that Alex Semin is one of the best players despite not being able to hit. This is insane.

But back to what I was talking about. Mike Green has been told that he can not partake in the National-floor Hockey League this weekend. It’s a shame, because he was the only one in our PE class who knew how to play defense. Now we must face the Boston Ruins with the fat kid protecting our goalie (until he gets injured and the gym teacher hops in and plays).

“Mike violated the rules of the Non Hitting League last night by touching Brett Connolly. As you can see, Green sees Brett Connolly with his eyes, decides to hit him and then proceeds to do so. We cannot have this in the NHL.” Shanaban said. “Not to mention the fact that I am biased towards some hockey teams. If Mike Green was playing on the Red Wings, we would have been able to overlook this. However, the Caps have not won the cup, let alone 11 Stanley Cups. Therefore, they have no respect in our eyes so we must make the season harder on them. Just wait until Backstrom comes back and gets suspended for being left handed in the NHL,” Shanaban said as Gary Bettman ran in the room to silence him.

“You know, Mike is a dirty player. We all knew this from the start, you know. The reason his, you know, abdomen was injured was because he, you know, hurt it. And now he accidentally elbowed someone’s face, you know. We’ll be all right. He’s day to day. It’s just a maintenance day/skate issue.” Dale Hunter said.

So in conclusion, the NHL no longer exists. And Mike Green is banned from playing in it.

-Poke Czech

Hamrlik will likely get the start on Saturday against the Boston Ruins.

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