Archive for June, 2012

Sasha Decides to Leave DC, His Apartment, and Alex Ovechkin


Despite wanting to rise to his criticism, Sasha 28 has decided to move out of his apartment to go somewhere like Colorado.

“I want to be leader. Ovi suck, so I should be in charge.” says winger Alex Semin. On Sunday, for the first time in his career, Semin is set to become a free agent. His agent has repeatedly said that Semin is going to go, not stay, and honestly, we don’t like his attitude.

Luckily, for the Caps, we have already replaced Semin’s offensive production with Mike Ribeiro, who averages in the mid-60s for points in a season. However, what we haven’t replaced is Semin’s extremely strange attitude. We’re looking at you, Neuvirth. Time to step up and be weird.

-Poke Czech

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Bryce Harper: Gullible?


As bad as it sounds, we have to wonder. We sent Mitt Romney’s personal assistant an email about this, but as of now, he has not yet responded. More to come. Not really though.

 

Oh, and the Tampa Bay Lightning suck. So does the trap. Guy Boucher sucks.

 

-Poke Czech

Dale Hunter, Tomas Vokoun, Alex Semin, Alex Ovechkin and The Washington Nationals


Within a month of the Capitals’ 2nd round loss to the New York Rangers, Dale Hunter announced he wasn’t coming back to the Caps next season, Semin and Ovechkin won the IIHF championship for Russia, and Tomas Vokoun was traded to the enemy, the Pittsburgh Penguins. This is a lot to take in, especially Dale Hunter stepping down. The Caps finally had a locker room of players committed to playing hockey the right way, and it was ripped away after only a month of having it. “Canada is Canada,” explained Dale Hunter, “And Washington DC is too damn hot in the summer.”

Anyone who follows the offseason happenings of the two Sasha’s, already knows that they went to Sweden, dominated and helped Russia achieve the IIHF championship. They also most likely know that Semyon Varlamov slipped when lifting the trophy, and Alex Semin cut his head open with his medal – which sounds about right. In some ways, winning this championship was a way for a dejected Alex Ovechkin to blow off some frustration (which he obviously had, shown by his sitting in his locker stall in his uniform post Game 7). It also showed that Alex Semin can excel in a run and gun system, especially with a decent amount of space added to the width of the rink. “I like score goals,” wrote Alex Semin in his private diary, “I like score goals for Mother Russia.”

Speaking of Alex Semin, he’s probably gone. Despite being one of the star players on the Caps, his agent claims he wants to be even more of a star. Not only that, he wants to be a leader of a team – all the while, not talking to reporters or the media. How Alex Semin-esque of him.

Then, when the dust had finally settled on the season, Caps fans go to the internet to discover that bitter goaler, Tomas Vokoun, had been traded. At this point, getting anything for him is a steal, because he was set to become a UFA with no intentions of returning to the Caps. However, the one and only team that the Caps fan base probably doesn’t want to improve is the Pittsburgh Penguins, whom Tomas Vokoun was traded to. Not only does this remove the Pens one flaw of questionable goalertending, but we helped a huge rival. But I digress.

With roughly 4 months to the start of the NHL season, and a boring Stanley Cup Final, Caps fans are watching our beloved Washington Nationals. To anyone who hasn’t been paying attention, the Nats are the SECOND BEST TEAM IN THE MLB so far this year. They are 35-23, leading the division by 2 games on the Atlanta Graves, and they just completed a 3 game sweep of the Boston Roid Sox in Fenway Park. Not only does Fenway feature really good hot wieners, according to New Englanders, but this weekend, Fenway featured something even better: The Washington Nationals. The Boston Roid Sox surrendered the park to us, and rightfully so, because we are the better team. Ever since we set the down fall of Boston sports into place, the Bruins have been eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, the Boston Cheestics lost to the Miami Fairly-Warm-Things and the Roid Sox have absolutely sucked. If you add Albert Haynesworth being traded to the Patriots last year from the Redskins, all DC sports teams have done their part to make Boston suck in sports. Now only if every city in America would do this, Boston could return to its former glory of being a smelly city, with bad sports teams.

Everything is looking up in DC. The Redskins have drafted a franchise QB, the Nats are on pace to make the playoffs for the first time in their existence (despite some bitterness from bitter, bitter Kansas City Royals fans), the Caps might have finally found their identity (if they hire the right coach), and the Wizards… well, they are the Wizards. Excluding basketball, we are in for a good future in DC sports.

So sit down, Boston, you are in the process of being dethroned. About time.

GM George McPhee doesn’t like Boston Sports one bit.

Robert the Third is already embracing the future of Sports in the Nation’s Capital.

Thank you, and Go Nats.

-Poke Czech